baggage

shall we discuss it over lunch?

the others too

I read the Tenth Circle today. The significance of death in the story, in a way, reminded me of X's suicide attempt. In the story Trixie, the main character, tried to take her own life by slitting her wrist. It wasn't her first experience with razor blades cutting into her skin; 'it was her way of escaping' she told her father when he had seen her previous scars. Escape. That's what they all say. The physical pain replaces the emotional kind.

Who am I to say that that theory is totally whacked? I have never reached (and hope never too) a point in all my sixteen years to want to try and see if I can liberate myself from emotional trauma by scarring my skin. I have never felt a need to watch blood ooze out from a self inflicted wound only to leave a mark reminding me of why I did it in the first place. I have never understood the need to relinquished the feelings of hurt when it's existence serve to mean I am capable of feeling. I have never been tortured in a way that allows me to forgot who I am and who I want to be. What right to I have to judge these actions?

In Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie says we feel emotion. It is human to feel, we feel happiness, sorrow, disappointment, regret, frustration and the list goes on. Morrie says when he feels frustrated and angry in the mornings, he tells himself: this is the feeling he is feeling and now it is time to let it go. To detach himself from it and allow other feelings to overtake me.

It's so easy to say. I think what we tend to forgot as human beings is that we have control over many things, after all God did give us choice, he gave us free will. We have control over our feelings as well. It is arguable that it is in situations/circumstances that feelings are evoked within us but what exactly evokes the feelings differs for each person. Does it not? Take for example "Riding the bus with my sister" (hallmark; the movie deals with a mentally disabled sister and how the main character deals with all the problems that go along with it.) It was a heart-warming movie and certain scenes moved me to tears, but for other people it may not. It may mean 'so what' some, or 'that's life' to others. It really all depends. That meaning we allow different events to evoke different emotions in us, bringing in free will therefore also meaning we can choose what we feel towards what we witness.

But then again, it is so easy to say. It is so easy to say I would never cut myself, I would never even dream of taking my own life, no to drugs, alcohol, sex...

after all God did give us free will.

the others

Feeling are evoked when situations allow them too.

It was Tuesday when I found out X tried to take her own life. It came as a shock. I never expected...I never thought...it never occurred to me that...
According to F, her depression resulted from a built up of frustration and hurt, she harboured all her sorrows within herself with such expertise, she did tell but nobody thought anything of it. Not until.
What shocked me the most was that I've seen her before, I've said 'hi' before, I've heard stories about her before. I would have recognised her before. And to think she's...the image is only something i would associate with a badly written Chinese drama serial.
She is someone my age.

It made me realised how far I've distanced from the bare thread of life and death. I remember Simeon telling me that he wasn't afraid of death, I told him I wasn't either. I thought, why not, if God wanted to take me now, then let him. Isn't life here on earth just a preparation for eternal life to come? But what about now? I am not afraid of death but I wouldn't want to go now, there are just too many things I've anticipated for. Don't I deserve at least a chance to live through them? I want to collect my results, I want to see if i make it through the ogf interview, council? staje public performance? relationships, friendships, independence, fulfilled ambitions, pay checks, marriage, procreation??? Aren't all these what's I've been living to wait for? living to live for?

differential in matter

No one has actually said anything but what remains unsaid is what remains obvious. That's with the exception of S, not that he told me of course. I head his words from Diana. Diana's been, as Dan would say, the bomb (the expression can be interpreted to mean of a great impact/help/fun or just plain wonderful). In my words she's an absolute darling. If not for her I would have been degraded to the lowest form of pathetic loneliness in the past week I've spent in aj.

ok let's clarify. I do have people to hang out with, at least one person to sit next to in every lecture, for every break, for every lunch and for every time I walk home. I have friends. This could be a moot point of course, it really depend on how one defines friendship. It just is very lonely. Maybe it's because I'm not use to the (a): secular environment, but what has that got to do with anything? Sure, i miss morning hymns and mass and the chapel, i also did have 'fellow Catholic buddies' but it was not as if that counts for anything. It's not as if I cannot have a friend, a good one at that, who isn't catholic. Look at K. so (a) dismissed. I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe i'm trying to get everyone to like me, so much so that I've got to constantly attune myself to the 'mindset' of everyone i meet. I've to think like them, speak like them, make decisions like them, It's difficult trying to be everybody, please everybody. No, it's not that i don't like small talk, in fact i think it's pretty humorous but this isn't small talk it's.. big. People talk to you they hear you and in their mind they sieve you through. Are you my type? Can i tolerate you for two years? Will i have to carefully avoid making eye contact with you? As ridiculous as it seems, I found myself asking these outlandish questions. I felt ashamed no doubt. Was i judging people by first impressions? Was i being such a as stick in the mud? Do i have an invisible stiff upper lip? Of course naturally i found myself thinking, maybe I'm not as different from the people here i i think myself to be, maybe I'm reluctant to give aj a second chance because I'm afraid. Afraid to be not different. To be pulled that by the conforming thinking, the fighting for grades, positions, testimonials. To allow all the As and Bs decide my life. To fall headlong into the rat race of Singapore, of the world.


Or am i just blowing this out of proportion trying ? Trying to 'shield' myself from something that may never happen?

taken and used. thrown away

I'm sorry. Not everyone forgets that easily. You cannot just come up to me and act like nothing's happened because something did and it hurts. You hurt me. And you don't know that. Maybe you do, then why are you pretending? Why?

I think I may never drink like that again.