the others too

I read the Tenth Circle today. The significance of death in the story, in a way, reminded me of X's suicide attempt. In the story Trixie, the main character, tried to take her own life by slitting her wrist. It wasn't her first experience with razor blades cutting into her skin; 'it was her way of escaping' she told her father when he had seen her previous scars. Escape. That's what they all say. The physical pain replaces the emotional kind.

Who am I to say that that theory is totally whacked? I have never reached (and hope never too) a point in all my sixteen years to want to try and see if I can liberate myself from emotional trauma by scarring my skin. I have never felt a need to watch blood ooze out from a self inflicted wound only to leave a mark reminding me of why I did it in the first place. I have never understood the need to relinquished the feelings of hurt when it's existence serve to mean I am capable of feeling. I have never been tortured in a way that allows me to forgot who I am and who I want to be. What right to I have to judge these actions?

In Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie says we feel emotion. It is human to feel, we feel happiness, sorrow, disappointment, regret, frustration and the list goes on. Morrie says when he feels frustrated and angry in the mornings, he tells himself: this is the feeling he is feeling and now it is time to let it go. To detach himself from it and allow other feelings to overtake me.

It's so easy to say. I think what we tend to forgot as human beings is that we have control over many things, after all God did give us choice, he gave us free will. We have control over our feelings as well. It is arguable that it is in situations/circumstances that feelings are evoked within us but what exactly evokes the feelings differs for each person. Does it not? Take for example "Riding the bus with my sister" (hallmark; the movie deals with a mentally disabled sister and how the main character deals with all the problems that go along with it.) It was a heart-warming movie and certain scenes moved me to tears, but for other people it may not. It may mean 'so what' some, or 'that's life' to others. It really all depends. That meaning we allow different events to evoke different emotions in us, bringing in free will therefore also meaning we can choose what we feel towards what we witness.

But then again, it is so easy to say. It is so easy to say I would never cut myself, I would never even dream of taking my own life, no to drugs, alcohol, sex...

after all God did give us free will.