depression of thoughts, mind and body

The first word I thought of when Y sent the message was 'shit'. I guess at that moment I couldn't feel anything, it was like someone stopped the feel-o-meter and decided to freeze that moment so I would never forget it. Sweat was trickling down my spine, collecting at the base of my neck, soaking my skin and pouring out of every pore of my soul. I felt almost nothing. Only to sink back in reality with a tension that saturated the air around me, it felt cold and hot, the fury of tears threatened to spill but I was already crying on the inside.

"It's the insides that matter" I said to comfort Y earlier that day when I laughed at his 'I can be a model' comment. We spent a day together in town, in each other's houses, in church and finally in L's place. It was a good day. I remember my theory: for my every happiness there's a screw up. Ok maybe it's not exactly true, but this was a classic example and I could not help but feel victimized and cheated. Damn.

I was texting Z the same time Y texted me. My lesson learnt is too never text two people at the same time when feeling drowsy. Z asked, “so it's Y you like huh?" I got fed-up. Why does he have to know how I like, why I like, would I like anyway. My feelings are my business and my sad sad story, why couldn't he just; leave me alone. So I replied, "eh no la, I don’t like Y in that kind of way, it'll be just weird and weird". The ironic thing is that before I sent the message I actually went back and spelt Y's full name.

With that fateful push of the 'send' button, the next thought that ran through my head was 'shit' when my black device, oh so alien to me now, vibrated. I will never forget the '1 message received' that flashed before my eyes in the darkness.

'Shit'