differential in matter

No one has actually said anything but what remains unsaid is what remains obvious. That's with the exception of S, not that he told me of course. I head his words from Diana. Diana's been, as Dan would say, the bomb (the expression can be interpreted to mean of a great impact/help/fun or just plain wonderful). In my words she's an absolute darling. If not for her I would have been degraded to the lowest form of pathetic loneliness in the past week I've spent in aj.

ok let's clarify. I do have people to hang out with, at least one person to sit next to in every lecture, for every break, for every lunch and for every time I walk home. I have friends. This could be a moot point of course, it really depend on how one defines friendship. It just is very lonely. Maybe it's because I'm not use to the (a): secular environment, but what has that got to do with anything? Sure, i miss morning hymns and mass and the chapel, i also did have 'fellow Catholic buddies' but it was not as if that counts for anything. It's not as if I cannot have a friend, a good one at that, who isn't catholic. Look at K. so (a) dismissed. I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe i'm trying to get everyone to like me, so much so that I've got to constantly attune myself to the 'mindset' of everyone i meet. I've to think like them, speak like them, make decisions like them, It's difficult trying to be everybody, please everybody. No, it's not that i don't like small talk, in fact i think it's pretty humorous but this isn't small talk it's.. big. People talk to you they hear you and in their mind they sieve you through. Are you my type? Can i tolerate you for two years? Will i have to carefully avoid making eye contact with you? As ridiculous as it seems, I found myself asking these outlandish questions. I felt ashamed no doubt. Was i judging people by first impressions? Was i being such a as stick in the mud? Do i have an invisible stiff upper lip? Of course naturally i found myself thinking, maybe I'm not as different from the people here i i think myself to be, maybe I'm reluctant to give aj a second chance because I'm afraid. Afraid to be not different. To be pulled that by the conforming thinking, the fighting for grades, positions, testimonials. To allow all the As and Bs decide my life. To fall headlong into the rat race of Singapore, of the world.


Or am i just blowing this out of proportion trying ? Trying to 'shield' myself from something that may never happen?