somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond

Liz: what are your dreams Jac?

2008-10-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

I’d dream I’d be a dancer,
And mingle with the rock stars.
I wished I’d be an astronaut
And land on planet Mars

I remember fondly,
An atlas I once received
From then on- an Explorer!
Was the dream I conceived.

I dream to put my finger into
The San Andreas Fault.
Be like Anthony Bourdain,
And eat legendary food hot.

To sweat it out in a
Japanese hot spring
and to scale the
Great wall in City Beijing

I’m not quite sure what
My dreams are anymore
I’ve thought honestly about them
Till I’ve gone all sore

But I think God had
Other dreams for me
Right now, to ‘scale’ the
White walls of NCC.

again

2008-10-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

hi hi
it's so funny because i just checked my yahoo mail and i have 754 emails. mostly from grandma. mostly ppts with flowers and inspirations messages on them. i don't really like reading those..it's really.. well for the lack of better words phoney. haha! just like Holden in The Catcher in the Rye. I still don't quite get that book but for what it's worth it was pretty good in a sense that I didn't want to put it down. ho hum. And it wasn't like i had nothing else better to do. What can one one in the hospital anyway. Rhetorical question.

maybe

2008-04-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should start blogging properly again.

well, maybe, now that I'm free. ok. Actually i'm not that free. I have a plan. yes. a plan when i get back home to fill my every hour with something productive to do, like say study. loads and loads of catching up to do. loads. i don't even know where to begin. i mean, seriously. missing out on one and a half months of school is no joke.

but no i'm not going to kill myself and study myself to death. i will take it slow. first. yepp. so back to the plan. it's simple really, it consist of simple daily tasks like brushing teeth, breakfast and the works, plus a little bit of reading, reflection, studying, poetry and praying. and that way i'll be so occupied that i won't have time to think about what ifs(: i'm a genius.

this is silly. i feel like i'm talking to myself.again.

hmm it's been long and now i'm free and bored

2008-04-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

here's what i posted at 36's blog!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

greetings from SGH ward 78 room 7(:

hmm finally managed to get my laptop in, but the wireless connection here isn't fantastic so.. yes, i get kicked out every few minutes or something. not cool.anyway,hmm yea looks like this week is finally coming to an end huh, by the time i'm discharged (staurday!) i would have been in and out of hospital for about one and a half months..whoa or what. Anyway yesterday's chemo experience was salvaged by the one and only best television series: GREY'S ANATOMY! hee. it was quite funny la, while the nurse was setting up the machine thingy, i was setting up my laptop and preparing my 'so called' battle front with snacks and snapple pink lemonade (lastest weird craving) on one side, the mags and books.i told the nurse to tell me when she pressed the start button so i could press start together with her. so yea timing was prefect (well almost, the machine had a few hiccups here and there) and for the whole chemo duration i watched 3 episodes of grey's(((((: BUT THEN. GUESS WHAT

after the whole 3 hours i thought it was over but NOoooo... the nurse brought in this new set of drugs... so basically now i'm stuck with a 'gameboy' sized machine with a thin tube pumping in this orange coloured drug into my chest for... (get this) 72 hours.uh huh. 3 days. 72 hours, 3 days. i wonder which one sounds nicer. why 72 hours? it's suppose to be less harsh for the body because technically chemo drugs are posion, on the machine label it actually says tonxins,this slow process wont scare/shock the body so much unless it was given say about 3 hours.so hopfully i wont feel so sicky after eveything, if not doctor poon owes me spaghetti. we made a bet. he said if i throw up he'll buy me spaghetti from sheraton towers. kind of a tough situation huh... should i throw up?

i hope that entertained you for a bit(:

Posted by 20 people who are together for two years. at 4:38 PM 0 comments

hello

2008-04-03T02:28:00.000-07:00

hello hello blog test one two three. testing. one two three.

2007-06-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

I can't smell, taste and hear properly. this is not cool.

the aftermath

2007-05-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like i'm living two weeks behind time. I keep thinking there'll be school tmr.ergh.

pre u sem then DE.

It's been a hell of two weeks. A truck load of laundry is waiting for me to attack it.

I feel like i'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms for everything. ok fine, mostly pre u sem. I really miss sitting in the MASSIVE Nanyang audi during parallel presentations, listening to interesting and not-so-interesting speakers, while cracking jokes and making bets. I think when i grow up to become some big shot, i want to speak to pre u sem participants. I want to re-live those five amazing days again. Well, minus the waking up at 5 something in the morning; that i can definitely do without. I miss the people the most. It was difficult for me at DE because my heart was still at NTU. Pa says NTU has brainwashed me. ah well, we'll wait two more years and see.

The first thing i think of when people ask me what i've learnt during pre u sem: BRIDGE.

Hoho. so much for intelligent discussion concerning Singapore's economic growth. Benji says i've got beginner's luck. teehee.

well, actually i feel very enlightened. And I understand my country better. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't propaganda or anything close to that, it was more than that.

I won't forget the staying up late. I won't forget editing ebook. I won't forget the NEWater water wally. I forget the 293 pictures we took. I won't forget dancing at the Istana. I won't forget the bus rides. I won't forget tea receptions and fruit tarts, painful court shoes, the broken ones, stairs, diluted soya bean milk and SG 15((:

They are a GREAT bunch of people and I feel extremely blessed to have met them.

Anyway,I have a huge wade of lecture notes to face and overdue tutorials. COMMON TESTS. ew ew ew. Nic's in bloody Europe. I don't get to go for my uncle's wedding because of make up lectures. I don't even know if i can meet up with jEWS this hols. homework homework homework.

REAILTY BITES.

)):

2007-05-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

I MISS YOU jEWS!

HOPE

2007-03-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

...those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah40:31

I spoke to Jalene today and it was truly inspiring. It's been so long since I felt I could open up to someone, especially since those blissful ij days, since EWS, since since since..

Our conversation made me think alot, think about school, about life, about family and about passion.

Passion drives us, motivates us, moves us into demisions we fail to comprehend.

understudy

2007-03-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

As march holiday homework for gp we were suppose create a blog.

This was my first post:

Most people generally mispronounce my name. I can't blame them really, Jaclyn isn't the traditional or should I say, a more common way of spelling my name.

So this is what usually happens:

Person X (after quizzically staring at my name for a few seconds): 'jeSS'-lyn huh? Interesting name…

Person X then proceeds to grin, looking positively pleased with himself/herself for managing to decipher the complexity of pronouncing strangely spelled names.

I: It’s 'JACK'-lyn actually…

Person X (looking rather sheepish and apologetic): I'm sorry; I thought it was spelled as 'Jacqueline'? And it’s just that doesn’t the ‘c’ in the middle contribute to the‘s’ sound?

This explanation appears odd but I suppose it makes some sense although I have yet to figure it out.

I: Well, I don’t know… It’s just the way my parents wanted it to be.

Person X then nods. Sometimes I think it may be out of sympathy.

I: You can call me ‘Jac’, most people do.

It is here I must admit that the ability to not look or feel annoyed comes with years of experience for one cannot deny that having people mispronounce your name repeatedly can get pretty exasperating, but of course after having heard the reason behind each person’s way of pronunciation does make me more understanding. Do not get me wrong, it is not as if I dislike my name and wish I was named ‘abc’ or ‘xyz’. The point I am trying to drive at is that ‘strangely’ spelled names are not such a bad thing; it’s unique and people remember you for it. Recognition is what we want isn’t it? In this society of a rat race we are all running to win? Anyway, if anything I am thankful for having my name spelled the way it is. Because it is a really good conversation starter.

It is a challenge to stand out in a society like Singapore’s; especially with an education system like ours. This evidently is a whole other concern about elitism which is undeniably present in today’s context. But one must want to stand out to indeed stand out. And being excellent under the minimum requirements is simply not enough. Hence why I say we are all running to win the same rat race.

Anyway I shall move on to properly introduce myself.

I am Jaclyn Alexandra Chong and I will be 17 in October.
I have been and hopefully with God’s grace, will continue to be blessed with many things in life, including a loving family, a caring set of friends and a healthy mind and body.
I love to talk, babble and ramble on about everything and anything under our beautiful sun.
I dislike feeling like I have been taken for granted.
I live to eat.
I have a fixation with shoes, one can never have too many.
I wish I was musically inclined.
I happen to give advice quite effectively.
I have always wanted to eat ice cream and only ice cream for a day.
I want to be a journalist, social worker, children’s author, television host, actress, storyteller, lawyer, speech therapist, counselor and I have a feeling the list may continue to expand.
I cannot, for the life of me, draw, but I did get a distinction for art in Secondary two (It was abstract art. Explains it all, doesn’t it?).
I cannot stand cold soup.
I am a dreamer.
I think I am a do-er.
I tend to get overly ambitious.
I tell people to stop waffling only to do so myself.
I believe in the ‘law of compensation’, a theory I have been trying to develop.
I write poetry.
I adore Sylvia Plath’s works.
I am proud of my up-side down six.
I have never had a hand at commentary blogging before so this experience is definitely new to me and I suppose I will be brave and boldly state that it will not be much of a difference as compared to ‘normal’ blogging (what is ‘normal’ in this world anyway?). The difference being, our aired views would concern local and global issues. This ultimately will be what we would have to do for any GP essay anyway so no objections here.

I sat up till 1am to do the above. It felt really relaxing actually. Maybe this whole gp blogging thing wouldn't be so bad after all((:

lalala

2007-03-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

I watched The Pianist again yesterday. It was very sad. sad. sad. sad.

Had another Pre-U sem meeting today, having another one tomorrow.

I should not be at home right now.

I am swimming in my school blouse.

I still have math homework to complete.

I hate functions.

Fell asleep and didn't go for mass.

I must say, it's a nice day.

morrow.

2007-03-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

I was late for today's Pre-U sem meeting. I was in the car with papa and we were just at the traffic light, turning into ang mo kio avenue six when Isaac called, " where for art thou Jaclyn?". He did mention he was born into the wrong era. I didn't tell him I agreed with him. His odd enquiry did make me think about Shakespeare in love and how Ms Williams allowed the class to munch on snacks while watching. I do miss her so. I hope i get her as my pdg tutor again.

JULIET
A thousand times good night!
ROMEO
A thousand times the worse, to want thy light. Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books, But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.

It was so hilarious watching that movie with dearest sb sitting beside me, every time Shakespeare and Viola would get intimate she would squeal and cover her eyes. Wen and I would smile and grin at each other. I really do miss EWS alot. It's like an ache inside i cannot nurse, an itch i falter to scratch. On Friday, og27 was playing the most ridiculous game invented "did you know?" (who can blame them for being so annoying unenthusiastic?) and Keet had just informed me that P was appealing back to cj, therefore Zhiyan's absence. I nodded in silence. I looked towards 27, Keet shook her head and gave a pained look; the one we shared when discussing our beloved responsibility. "I don't blame her for appealing" I stated. It was then i felt so sad. so overwhelmed by sadness. It was just so utterly pathetic.

I left the classroom crying. Keet accompanied me. It really affected her too. I think she felt as alone as I was, friends leaving, people you appreciate leaving, people who appreciate you leaving... I really really miss EWS.

JULIET
Sweet, so would I:
Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.
Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

the town that you live in

2007-03-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

Why do I have so many things to do?

I just organised my March holiday schedule and I realised I have no time what so ever for myself. Damnit. I have Pre-U sem meetings on Wednesday and Friday and some photojouralism talk on thursday, on top of that I have three math tutorials to complete, two math assessments and two sets of econs lecture notes to read through. I'm so screwed. So much for slacking and watching dvds. But I suppose I asked for it. oh yea speaking of Pre-U sem Su xin just texted me: Jaclyn!! if you check the pre-u sem thing, the complusory meeting is on the 12th of may. And our public perfromance is on the 11th and 12th of may.

oh crap.

How now brown cow?

this has totally disrupted my blogging mood.

it doesn't matter really

2007-03-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

JL: a part of me wants it to stay the same, or at least the way it used to be

JS: Change is the only constant right?

JL: God's our constant too!

JS: yea and that's why science is flawed

JL: and we're smart enough not to take it((:

(*this conversation has been modified pior posting)

Now that you're near

2007-02-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

the song was playing in my head the WHOLE day, talk about bad ear worms.

Hold me in Your arms
Never let me go
I wanna spend eternity with You

I stand before You, Lord
And give You all my praise
Your love is all I need
Jesus, You're all I need

My life belongs to You
You gave Your life for me
Your grace is all I need
Jesus, You're all I need

Hold me in Your arms
Never let me go
I wanna spend eternity with You

And now that You're near
Everything is different
Everything's so different, Lord
And I know I'm not the same
My life You've changed
And I wanna be with You
I wanna be with You

And I will sing for You always'
Cause in Your presence God is where I wanna stay

more decisions

2007-02-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know what i have decided. It's difficult when i feel my heart's torn in every direction possible.

what i know:

I love E.W.S. it is for them i look forward to each school day. I love the way they crack me up and the way we talk like we've known each other since forever. I love the way we laugh and eat. I love the way we sing and share. I love the way we praise Jesus. I can only thank Him for giving me such wonderful, beautiful, amazing, inspiring, loving, warm, (insert superlative) friends.I feel happy that they did well for Os and that they can go to wherever they want to go, but i want us to be together still. I feel selfish for wanting them to stay with me. It's difficult to let go when i know something like this doesn't come easily.

I don't know why God gives then takes it back.

baggage

2007-01-31T21:46:00.000-08:00

shall we discuss it over lunch?

the others too

2007-01-27T06:38:00.001-08:00

I read the Tenth Circle today. The significance of death in the story, in a way, reminded me of X's suicide attempt. In the story Trixie, the main character, tried to take her own life by slitting her wrist. It wasn't her first experience with razor blades cutting into her skin; 'it was her way of escaping' she told her father when he had seen her previous scars. Escape. That's what they all say. The physical pain replaces the emotional kind.

Who am I to say that that theory is totally whacked? I have never reached (and hope never too) a point in all my sixteen years to want to try and see if I can liberate myself from emotional trauma by scarring my skin. I have never felt a need to watch blood ooze out from a self inflicted wound only to leave a mark reminding me of why I did it in the first place. I have never understood the need to relinquished the feelings of hurt when it's existence serve to mean I am capable of feeling. I have never been tortured in a way that allows me to forgot who I am and who I want to be. What right to I have to judge these actions?

In Tuesdays with Morrie, Morrie says we feel emotion. It is human to feel, we feel happiness, sorrow, disappointment, regret, frustration and the list goes on. Morrie says when he feels frustrated and angry in the mornings, he tells himself: this is the feeling he is feeling and now it is time to let it go. To detach himself from it and allow other feelings to overtake me.

It's so easy to say. I think what we tend to forgot as human beings is that we have control over many things, after all God did give us choice, he gave us free will. We have control over our feelings as well. It is arguable that it is in situations/circumstances that feelings are evoked within us but what exactly evokes the feelings differs for each person. Does it not? Take for example "Riding the bus with my sister" (hallmark; the movie deals with a mentally disabled sister and how the main character deals with all the problems that go along with it.) It was a heart-warming movie and certain scenes moved me to tears, but for other people it may not. It may mean 'so what' some, or 'that's life' to others. It really all depends. That meaning we allow different events to evoke different emotions in us, bringing in free will therefore also meaning we can choose what we feel towards what we witness.

But then again, it is so easy to say. It is so easy to say I would never cut myself, I would never even dream of taking my own life, no to drugs, alcohol, sex...

after all God did give us free will.

the others

2007-01-26T06:24:00.000-08:00

Feeling are evoked when situations allow them too.

It was Tuesday when I found out X tried to take her own life. It came as a shock. I never expected...I never thought...it never occurred to me that...
According to F, her depression resulted from a built up of frustration and hurt, she harboured all her sorrows within herself with such expertise, she did tell but nobody thought anything of it. Not until.
What shocked me the most was that I've seen her before, I've said 'hi' before, I've heard stories about her before. I would have recognised her before. And to think she's...the image is only something i would associate with a badly written Chinese drama serial.
She is someone my age.

It made me realised how far I've distanced from the bare thread of life and death. I remember Simeon telling me that he wasn't afraid of death, I told him I wasn't either. I thought, why not, if God wanted to take me now, then let him. Isn't life here on earth just a preparation for eternal life to come? But what about now? I am not afraid of death but I wouldn't want to go now, there are just too many things I've anticipated for. Don't I deserve at least a chance to live through them? I want to collect my results, I want to see if i make it through the ogf interview, council? staje public performance? relationships, friendships, independence, fulfilled ambitions, pay checks, marriage, procreation??? Aren't all these what's I've been living to wait for? living to live for?

differential in matter

2007-01-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

No one has actually said anything but what remains unsaid is what remains obvious. That's with the exception of S, not that he told me of course. I head his words from Diana. Diana's been, as Dan would say, the bomb (the expression can be interpreted to mean of a great impact/help/fun or just plain wonderful). In my words she's an absolute darling. If not for her I would have been degraded to the lowest form of pathetic loneliness in the past week I've spent in aj.

ok let's clarify. I do have people to hang out with, at least one person to sit next to in every lecture, for every break, for every lunch and for every time I walk home. I have friends. This could be a moot point of course, it really depend on how one defines friendship. It just is very lonely. Maybe it's because I'm not use to the (a): secular environment, but what has that got to do with anything? Sure, i miss morning hymns and mass and the chapel, i also did have 'fellow Catholic buddies' but it was not as if that counts for anything. It's not as if I cannot have a friend, a good one at that, who isn't catholic. Look at K. so (a) dismissed. I don't know. Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe i'm trying to get everyone to like me, so much so that I've got to constantly attune myself to the 'mindset' of everyone i meet. I've to think like them, speak like them, make decisions like them, It's difficult trying to be everybody, please everybody. No, it's not that i don't like small talk, in fact i think it's pretty humorous but this isn't small talk it's.. big. People talk to you they hear you and in their mind they sieve you through. Are you my type? Can i tolerate you for two years? Will i have to carefully avoid making eye contact with you? As ridiculous as it seems, I found myself asking these outlandish questions. I felt ashamed no doubt. Was i judging people by first impressions? Was i being such a as stick in the mud? Do i have an invisible stiff upper lip? Of course naturally i found myself thinking, maybe I'm not as different from the people here i i think myself to be, maybe I'm reluctant to give aj a second chance because I'm afraid. Afraid to be not different. To be pulled that by the conforming thinking, the fighting for grades, positions, testimonials. To allow all the As and Bs decide my life. To fall headlong into the rat race of Singapore, of the world.

Or am i just blowing this out of proportion trying ? Trying to 'shield' myself from something that may never happen?

taken and used. thrown away

2007-01-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry. Not everyone forgets that easily. You cannot just come up to me and act like nothing's happened because something did and it hurts. You hurt me. And you don't know that. Maybe you do, then why are you pretending? Why?

I think I may never drink like that again.

depression of thoughts, mind and body

2006-12-03T23:23:00.000-08:00

The first word I thought of when Y sent the message was 'shit'. I guess at that moment I couldn't feel anything, it was like someone stopped the feel-o-meter and decided to freeze that moment so I would never forget it. Sweat was trickling down my spine, collecting at the base of my neck, soaking my skin and pouring out of every pore of my soul. I felt almost nothing. Only to sink back in reality with a tension that saturated the air around me, it felt cold and hot, the fury of tears threatened to spill but I was already crying on the inside.

"It's the insides that matter" I said to comfort Y earlier that day when I laughed at his 'I can be a model' comment. We spent a day together in town, in each other's houses, in church and finally in L's place. It was a good day. I remember my theory: for my every happiness there's a screw up. Ok maybe it's not exactly true, but this was a classic example and I could not help but feel victimized and cheated. Damn.

I was texting Z the same time Y texted me. My lesson learnt is too never text two people at the same time when feeling drowsy. Z asked, “so it's Y you like huh?" I got fed-up. Why does he have to know how I like, why I like, would I like anyway. My feelings are my business and my sad sad story, why couldn't he just; leave me alone. So I replied, "eh no la, I don’t like Y in that kind of way, it'll be just weird and weird". The ironic thing is that before I sent the message I actually went back and spelt Y's full name.

With that fateful push of the 'send' button, the next thought that ran through my head was 'shit' when my black device, oh so alien to me now, vibrated. I will never forget the '1 message received' that flashed before my eyes in the darkness.

'Shit'

nostalgia

2006-11-25T08:02:00.000-08:00

I didn't actually expect to cry, i just did, i cried.

I did another, yet another, mount st. helens.

All i did was pass Ms Yip the letter i wrote her and said," i hope this makes you cry". Which now i suspect was the wrong thing to say because it just triggered this dam of tears i never knew i had and they out-poured themselves rght in front of teachers and students and the rest of the hyatt hotel to see. Don't i just love the attention.

So there i was bubbling right in front of Ms Yip and i was in this weird state of shock and sadness, wtaching everyone watch me watch the reaction on her face. i think she was rather taken aback by my sudden out burst, she offered tissue as usual and her hugged me.

I suppose I'm glad i did because i wanted her to know how much i will miss her and how much our friendship meant to me. I know wht Mrs Wong said is true," this is not goodbye, it's till we meet again", but it's different. After i officially leave school (which i have since last night) it will never be the same, I cannot just go to the staff room whenever i feel like i have to talk to her, i cannot just sit in the front seat of her car.

Last night i felt like i was in a frantic rush to take pictures with everyone, i felt as though i needed to imprint that night into my mind forever, collecting memories of everyone, how they looked, how they laughed, how they were, are, perhaps will be, a part of my life. As i have mentioned before it feels strange to know that i will not be wearing the same uniform, the same badge, going through the same routine i have for the last ten years or so. I actually realise how much, how important my shcool means to me; how much i will miss it.

Although this comes as no surprise, the impact of it is much greater than i ever imgained it to be. i knew eventually that i would leave, that i would be singing the school song for the last time. i've realised how much CHIJ has moulded me into the person i've become today, how lucky i am to possess unchanging life values, how significant my secondary education has been for me. it is true what Pa said that these four years in school will change me into the person i will be for the rest of my life, with that said i am proud and honoured to say that because of IJ i like who i am as a person, i feel a sense of confidence in myself.

I've been given the green card to succeed in whatever i do.

my decision

2006-11-24T01:53:00.000-08:00

MY DECISION IS JESUS

in heaven i don't have to make decisions

2006-11-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

I think I detest making decisions.

Sometimes i wish i could have someone make them for me. Perhaps life would be simpler.

Oh yea, I'm sure. When is life simple anyway.

differing opinions

2006-11-21T01:45:00.000-08:00

I suppose when it comes to differing opinions the reactions that follow can be extremely drastic.

Imagine a time when you thought that the blouse on sale in Future State was pretty, its little intricate designs printed on the collar really catches your attention (also imagine you have eagle eyes for detail). Your friend, who willingly tagged along when you pleaded for company and sound fashion advice looks at you with a constipated way. "Are you sure?", she questions when she realises you're shoving a hideous blouse up her face. You only nod enthusiastically ignorant to her extreme discomfort. She then blinks quite frantically.

OK so two things may eventually happen. She may think, one: this poor girl is in serious need of help, she probably thinks Prada is Prata. She then goes on to mention how much she pities you and how she is going to take up the responsibility of making you the next Paris Hilton.
OR: (she may think) this girl is insane. Why did i even agree to accompany her? Should I fake it and tell her how much the blouse matches the colour of her braces? Damn, I'm not doing this again.

So there we have it, two beautifully drastic situations. Neither of which is more desirable, choosing would probably be an extremely inhumane way of asking how i would like to be humiliated. The former situation could land you with a fashion mentor but you labeled as a charity case, the latter could spare you the agony of hanging out with a fashion snob but leave you suffering alone with a hideous blouse. Not easy.

It's actually pretty funny when you think about it. It's just a blouse really.